WhoopsIForgotToAddATitleAgainIKnowLet'sGoWithBrianCauseItRemindsMeOfTheSongThatTheStarWillTakeYouTo

*[it's cool cause there is no chorus, just verses =O]

It's interesting how different my day and night personas are. Thinking back on what I posted last night/ this morning reminded me of this. I don't talk like that during the day. Or about those things, anyway.

I realized that I didn't really know what persona meant. So I looked it up. Apparently, it refers to the 'masks' that people wear. Not literal masks, but rather the way we present ourselves to the world. It's kinda cool, since that's sorta what I've been talking about in my posts. Some of them, anyway. I think...

I tend to have a hard time remembering what I've actually posted, and what I have just thought about. I pretty much just post organized, revised versions of conversations that I've had with myself. Although, a lot of time these conversations take place while I'm posting.

So back to personas. It seems to me to mean the same thing as a façade. I bring this up because Mute Math, a band I greatly enjoy, has a song which says, "...façades are a fire on the skin." The song is basically talking about how trying to be a person that you really aren't slowly eats away at you. The lyric states that this burns you. This provides an interesting metaphor, as something that is burnt can be described as black, cold, brittle, dead. Those words could all describe one living under a façade.

I guess this could relate to my quest of finding myself. As an adolescent, I'm still establishing my own identity. The problem isn't my goal, which is to be the best person that I could be; the problem is getting there. For one thing, I don't know how the best version of me would act. I usually learn by example, so it would make sense to find a great person, and model my life after them.

Of course, there's always the question of what qualifies someone as great? I don't really know. I guess I could make a list of requirements if I thought about it for a while, but I don't really feel like doing that. For now, I'll just go with my gut.

This is pretty nerdy, but when I try to think of a great person, my mind tend to go to the wise, old teacher guy. Characters like Obi-wan, Dumbledore, Yoda, and Gandalf. They're wise, caring people who work toward making the world a better place. Sounds good to me. Of course, there's the slight problem of them not being real.

So... yeah...

Another problem I have is being confident with myself. I want to be able to stick to my feelings and values without being stubborn or arrogant. I want to keep an open mind. But I usually end up just going with whatever the people around are going with. This goes back to the whole "my personality fits whom I'm around" thing from past posts. There are a few exceptions, but they occur when the issues involved are ones that I already feel pretty strongly about, and I'm dealing with good friends. When it comes to people I'm not that familiar with, my 'me-ness' kinda fades away.

An exception, however, is when I'm with a large group of people that I do not know, like when I'm at a camp or related social gathering. In that case, I pretty much go crazy. As in hyper. I can go around to anyone I see and just start talking about random things from the top of my head. It's pretty fun.

The problem seems to exist when I'm around people that sorta know me. I subconsciously live up to whatever expectations they have.

I think that's enough for today.

Catch you later