Note to self: add title before posting

I'm going to try thinking before I speak. It would probably just be a second or two. This would be to make sure that I don't say anything dumb/ stupid/ mean/ etc.

But that would be kind of hard to do.

And it doesn't really seem to be me. I'm sort of spontaneous.

Theory: I have a spontaneous mode and a thoughtful mode. The spontaneous mode is quick and silly. This is how I tend to act most of the time. It's my happy, hyper mood. On the other hand is my thoughtful mode. It's slower and more philosophical. I think before I say things. Sometimes I'll question every little thing that I do and why I'm doing it. Occasionally I'll think of actions to take but forgo them because I find them to be pointless. I'm usually more tired and/or sad in this mood.

These differing patterns of behavior can even be seen in some of my blog posts. I'll make a quick list:

Spontaneous:

• Current Things
• Life and Something Different
• Making Up Stories...
• Katamari Damacy

Thoughtful:

• Self Esteem
• Soulsearching. Or Soul Searching.
• Behavioral Reflections
• Life (and a little rant)

The spontaneous posts are more focused on things I came up with on the spot. Their just fun little musings for enjoyment by both me and anyone who happens to read them. Conversely, the thoughtful posts are just that: thoughtful. They involve deeper introspection and philosophical ideas.

Upon review, I have found that I write more thoughtful posts than spontaneous posts. Why is that?

My thoughts are that I believe that the thoughtful side of me is the better side. Sure, the spontaneous side is fun and zany, but it's also annoying and shallow; there's nothing to it. It just tells jokes and has a laugh. There's no deeper connection made. The thoughtful side has more to it. It's nicer. It has meaning. It seeks to accomplish something. It has things to say that could potentially benefit people.

Thus I tend to blog in thoughtful mode. It could be that's the real me that doesn't come out that often at school, so it takes this opportunity to show itself.

In practice, it's easier for me to be in my spontaneous mode. My mind tends to go into a sort of autopilot. I don't think about what I'm doing; it just sort of happens. I act solely based on the person I'm talking to. I think it tries to do whatever would make that person like me the most. So I act fairly differently around different people. This has the side effect of rendering me completely without a personality. I'm not a person; I'm a machine, simply following a set pattern of behavior.

Thoughtful mode is much harder. It requires actual thought and free will. It reveals who I am. This might be why it often stays hidden. Subconsciously, I want everyone to like me. Which is why I mirror back to them what I feel they will accept.

***

So yeah, thoughtful mode. Trying to use it more. I'll see how I do.

PS. I stopped writing this at the stars. When I came back, I kinda lost my train of thought.... so I just sorta wrapped it up.... bye